If I Had Do-overs As A Parent

Trent and I are teaching on parenting next weekend. As we have put together what we want to say to parents, I can’t help but think of things I wish I had done differently. All four of our kids love the Lord and are walking with Him daily, which is the greatest treasure to me. I am deeply aware it is because of the grace of God and their tenderness toward Him more than anything I did or didn’t do.

Still, if I had to do it over again I would have:

Give more grace

I am studying the book of Romans right now in my morning times with the Lord. I have been amazed at the depth of depravity of man (us) and more amazed at the grace God continually pours out. Where our hearts are inclined to evil and perpetual love of self and idols, God’s heart continues to pursue us and lavish us with grace and steadfast love. So many times when my kids were young and I saw selfishness, I would distance myself and see them as the needy ones. I wish I had been more like the Lord, drawing near in those moments and letting them know how much I loved them and was here to help as we pursued love of others together.

I wish I had communicated they are not a disappointment to me. We are more alike in our neediness for God than different. I have the same selfish heart that God is continuing to remake, by his grace, into His likeness.

Listen better

Everyday I listen to Family Life Today. If there is one thing I have learned from Dave and Ann Wilson and their guests, it’s the need to grow in my listening skill. Too often then and now, I want to share my experiences or what I learned from walking through different seasons. I wish I had listened to find out who my kids were and what they were thinking. Sharing and talking too soon robbed me of hearing their heart and growing in my understanding of their uniqueness as a person.

Ask better questions

I am a question asker! I have an inquisitive mind that seems to never shut off! My questions many times though feel more like an interrogation than the opening to a dialogue. I felt like many times my questioning caused my kids to shut down rather than open up. To create more of a dialogue, I wish I had said things more along these lines:

Tell me more
What emotion have you been feeling the most lately?
What have you found yourself thinking about a lot?
Everybody has a need they are trying to meet. What need were you trying to meet when you acted this way or made that decision?
What do you need from me?
How can I help?

Have open, ongoing conversations about God's design for sexuality

I don’t know if it was my own awkward understanding of sex from my growing up years or what but I really fumbled the ball on this one. I wish I had a redeemed and right view of sexuality when my kids were growing up so that I could have passed on the beauty of God’s design of sexuality. Instead I kept the topic of sex so quiet that I didn’t even give my kids the “Sex Talk”. I knew to tell my kids about my own struggles and failures in this area and I was open about my own sexual brokenness, but it would have been so helpful to have kept this topic open and ongoing in our home, to have normalized it.

Thankfully, there are books, podcasts and websites dedicated to reclaiming God’s design for sexuality, most of them by Juli Slattery that I have leaned into. God is doing a healing and restoring work in my own mind and allowing sexuality to be a safe topic to wade into. Thankfully, my kids don’t have that fear of honesty and openness that I did.

Just love

Many years ago, I heard a preacher named Tom Nesbit say, “If I could do anything over again, I would memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 sooner and seek to live it out everyday.”

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

I respected Tom greatly because he is one of the most caring, wise, and loving men I knew. If you are around him for any length of time, you feel love oozing out of him! But in my immaturity, I thought, no one can love like that! Especially me! Honestly, I get tripped up over the first word- patient. If you know me, you know I am not a very patient person. I value efficiency over patience every time!

As I’ve looked at and sought to walk with Jesus everyday now for well over 30 years, I wish I had taken Tom’s advice to heart. Every type of person, from all different backgrounds and socioeconomic status, wanted to be with Jesus. Why was that? It was because they were seen and loved by him no matter who they were. They felt safe and accepted with Him. He was 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 incarnate. As those little ones were in my house, I wish I had asked myself, Andrea, are you being patient? Is that kind? Are your heart attitudes jealous, boastful or proud? Are you rejoicing in wrong or in truth? Are you asking the Lord to help you bear, believe, hope and endure all things?

Everyday I would have failed the love test in some way or other, but then and now as I look at Jesus, the One who loves perfectly, I am becoming what I am beholding. The sad reality is even as I make this list, there is still so much growing and changing to do. I still need to grow specifically in all of these areas!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end: they are new every morning! Great is His faithfulness! Lamentations 3:21-26

Thankfully the Lord is not distancing Himself from me when He sees failure then and now. Instead, He is drawn to me and my weakness and everyday is meeting me right where I am with help and hope to grow in grace giving, listening, pursuing and loving. He is faithful!